Why you should try that parent support group you have been avoiding.
Have people been suggesting that you try out a group for parents of children with additional needs? Sometimes when I mention these groups to parents they look at me like I have lost my mind! However uncomfortable the idea might seem, there is surprising value in these groups. Let’s explore some of the reasons why.
Strength in shared experience
I heard recently that any kind of work on personal growth is most effective when done in community. To me, that totally makes sense. I have experienced this in things I have worked on myself – trying (failing!) to lose weight, finding the confidence to start a business or muddling my way through newborn mummy days. When we have a community of people facing similar challenges and striving for similar goals, it demystifies things a little and makes us realise we are more like others than we think. I cannot emphasise enough the value of sharing our experiences.
It is quite common for mums and dads to join a group of other parents in antenatal classes (NCT etc) when they are expecting their first child. It is considered totally socially acceptable to want to join with others who are at exactly the same stage of life, about to enter into a new challenging phase. Wanting to feel they have comrades when they are knee deep in the trenches of parenthood. However, parents do not always embrace this when they find themselves navigating the often-unexpected road of SEN parenting.
Find your tribe.
Do it now! It will make a tremendous difference. When you find a group of like-minded parents you will (hopefully) find you become incredibly comfortable in a place you feel safe from judgement. The other parents will encourage and listen to you. They are possibly the only people who can truly empathise with what you are experiencing. Those mums will reassure you in dark moments, reflect back to you the amazing job you are doing (even when you feel you are not) and they will inspire you to take purposeful strides toward breaking down barriers and stepping into being the kind of parent you want to be.
Several mums have told me that they do not want to be lumped together with all the other mums of SEN children, they do not want to be defined by just happening to be a mum of a child with additional needs. I totally get that. We are all multifaceted and have so much more to us than one specific role. Certain people come into our lives for a particular season, to help us through the challenges we face at that time. You will continue to have other important people in your life who fulfil different roles. You do not have to become best friends for life, or go on holiday together (although you might surprise yourself!). There is something tremendously freeing about ranting at someone who understands what you are talking about. Who else could possibly understand how difficult it is to resist the urge to swear at the case officer who has told you that your application for additional support has been denied? Or how heart-breaking parents evening was, even though it went exactly how you expected? Only another SEN mum would be able to celebrate the enormity of your child saying something you have waited a really long time to hear for the very first time (all that speech therapy is finally paying off).
Offload mum guilt
Parents are incredibly hard on themselves. I haven’t met a mum who hasn’t experienced some level of mum guilt. We all seem to be hounded by the things we feel we ‘should’ be doing. Should I be working more to pay for my darling daughter to do (yet another) therapy session or after school club? On the flip-side feeling absolutely terrible not being able to attend a school event due to work. Perhaps I should be spending more time reading with my children, or getting them outside to play or cooking more homemade meals from scratch (never going to happen!). Plus. there is the keeping up with the other mums to contend with. Somehow Sally seems to always look immaculate on the school run (even in the pouring rain) and Gayle has produced yet another perfect bake for the charity cake sale. I mean honestly. where do they find the time or even the motivation? I am quite impressed with myself if I am fully dressed on the school run!
We often feel judged by other parents and this can add to our sense of guilt. There are times when others are blatantly passing comment on the things that we are doing, but more often than not the guilt comes from our own expectations of ourselves and our perception of what others might be thinking. This perception is often inaccurate. Truth be told, we tend to be our own worst critics, and no one has even noticed whatever it is be are berating ourselves about. Chances are there are moments when other mum’s are looking at you wondering how you seem to be so on top of things whilst they are feeling like they are struggling. At other moments, when your kid is totally losing their mind in the world’s loudest tantrum, you may not realise how many of those eyes looking in your direction are thinking the opposite of what you expect. Those other mum’s remember the times when it has happened to them, they look on in sympathy wishing they knew how to help without undermining the boundaries you are trying to set with your kid.
For parents of children with additional needs, these quite normal feelings of guilt or momentary inadequacy can be far more intense. They can be incredibly hard on themselves, particularly if they (even just for a millisecond) are wishing a difficult situation would be just a little easier or smoother. On one level or another we all have moments like this. We all want to be better mothers!
When we listen to others talking about the challenges they are facing, we know that we are not alone and that we are all just doing our best. We get to park a bit of that mum guilt when we are reassured that others have been in exactly the same place we have. You might even find the funny side of that awful moment when old Mrs Jones decided to give you her opinion on how to discipline your child.
Take the leap
Making the first step in joining a group can be hard. Putting yourself out there, especially when feeling vulnerable, can be difficult. But take the step anyway. If it will give you the confidence you need, rope in a wing man and take a trusted friend with you. Honestly, no one will mind. They will remember how were nervous too when they first went to a group. Try not to be discouraged if the first group of people you meet doesn’t feel like the right fit. Try another group. It’s true that not all of the mums (who happen to have children with additional needs too) will be your people. That’s ok. Keep trying until you find your fit. Perhaps you will be a tribe of two when you meet just one other mum who totally gets you.
Get out there, find your people, make your tribe. There really is strength in numbers.
A few tips for finding your tribe:
· Try Facebook groups – there are lots of FB groups for parents of children with additional needs and they are often area specific. The good thing about an online group is that you can try it out and leave whenever you like. Ask in the group whether there is a meet up you could try out.
· Ask professionals – ask the people who work with your child whether they know of any groups which might suit you. These professionals are often the first to hear about groups from other parents or may know of another parent who would be good to connect you with.
· Find what resonates – when looking for groups listen out for things which feel like they are a good fit for you. Perhaps the parents have children with a similar age or need. Perhaps they meet at the pub which feels like a nice relaxed way in. Maybe the woman who runs the group seems really approachable.
· Local offer – look on your local authority Local SEN Offer webpage. Many of the parenting groups will be listed there.
· Take the opportunities that present themselves - Chat to other parents on school tours, in the paediatricians waiting room or at the school SEN coffee morning.
· Find a coach – coaches are great you are not ready to approach a group or feel like you need more support than a group is offering. Having one-to-one support to talk through your current worries can be a game changer. Investing in this may seem a little steep at first, but if getting things off your chest and being able to make clear decisions results in getting a good night’s sleep … really worth it!
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