Guest blog: Why we need to look passed the behaviour

My name is Vicky and I am a mum of two; one diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I am a secondary school teacher and a qualified Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) Practioner. I run my parent coaching business around my full-time job, working specifically with parents of children diagnosed with ADHD. 

When I first realised what I’m going to talk to you about today, our lives changed and so did my relationship with my son. This is why I now make it my mission to share this information with as many parents as possible! Your child may not have ADHD, but I promise you this will still help you.

Every behaviour has a positive intention. What???

So when my child is screaming blue murder because I’ve just told them it’s bedtime… that’s positive?

Well that’s not exactly what this means.

What this does mean is that the behaviour of your child is aiming to obtain a favourable outcome. Even if that behaviour seems negative to you, it might not do when you know the reason for it. Your child is using what appears to you to be a negative behaviour to tell you something is wrong, because they don't know what else to do.

As soon as I trained as an NLP Practitioner and started to see things from this alternative perspective, as soon as I started to see this behaviour as a way of him trying to communicate with me.... was when it clicked for us.

I’m not saying it’s easy to accept this, as it can be a hard truth to swallow when you are at your wits end because it seems you can't get your child to do anything you want them to without a shouting match.

When they are in the midst of a full-blown meltdown because you need them to get in the car because you've just realised there's no milk left for the morning and need to visit the shop....

When you've been doing home school maths revision ready for a home learning test and suddenly your child starts guessing answers and getting frustrated because suddenly, they can't answer a question they could just minutes ago.... and the temper comes.... and the tears come.

When the impulsivity seems to just escalate, out of nowhere and the silliness becomes almost unbearable.

The simple fact is that all of these behaviours are your child telling you they need something, often something from you.

So, what do you do next?

The good news is that you can learn about your child's behaviour and what they are communicating to you, so you can start to make changes that will help to reduce the number of times your child responds like this. Not with consequences, not really even with rewards, it’s about YOU making the changes. Challenging what you might already believe to be the reasons for these behaviours and forming new perspectives.

So, here are some ideas for you to start with….

Let’s talk about some of the most common ones I get asked about!

Meltdowns/tantrums

Now we can argue that these are different things, but that would really contradict what I’ve just told you about seeing all behaviour as a communication (why look at them as different)?

A tantrum is more likely to be in response to a child being asked to do something they don’t want to do, and a meltdown is when they are completely overwhelmed by their emotions and don’t know what to do. However, they are both a communication!

The key to reducing these behaviours (and the anger and aggression that come with them) is to figure out what happened JUST BEFORE the behaviour. Parents normally tell me ‘everything’ when I ask them what causes this behaviour from their child, but in reality, it just feels like that.

Keep a diary, a little book with you that you can log these events and what happened right before they happened. What was your child doing? What did you say? How did you say it? What was their response? This will help you find a pattern, then you can start to think of ways to break that pattern and avoid it happening repeatedly.

Homework

Now this is a little more than homework right now, as schools have been closed for three months! Normally, it’s about homework. However, this time I’m sharing what I’ve experienced over the past few weeks.

Frustration over struggling with work. Suddenly finding that knowledge seems to have fallen out of your child’s memory, almost instantly. He gets frustrated, you get annoyed (because surely that can’t possibly happen) and then we have tears (and not to mention the mum guilt). The truth? He needs a break. A go outside and play football for 20 minutes break! It’s overload, and the fact is when you experience this with homework, it’s probably because they are simply too tired from working hard all day.

If you have a child with ADHD, learning difficulty or other special educational needs then you need to remember that they are working harder during the day at school to concentrate, keep their behaviour in check and make sure they can keep up with their peers and teacher’s expectations. They are just simply, exhausted.

Attention Seeking

This is as simple as it sounds! You may find the silly behaviour increases, or your child is finding excuses to be around you, to be loud. They are trying to tell you that they need your attention, and that's okay. There is so much negativity around the term ‘attention seeking’, but can you really give your own child too much attention?

You’ll probably find that by specifically scheduling 1-2-1 time with your child doing an activity that they choose and enjoy, ‘attention seeking’ behaviour will reduce outside of this time. They want to feel safe and re-assured and some children are needing this more than ever in the current climate.

Going to Bed

It’s the classics isn’t it? The time your child wants a story, a cuddle, a drink, 45 kisses and to ask questions about where babies come from, is always BEDTIME.

The problem is, this is where you (as the parents) get frustrated too. You’re exhausted and just want at least 10 minutes to yourself in order to feel vaguely human again, but your child just won’t let you leave the room!

It could be in this situation that they don’t feel comfortable being left alone. The dark is scary because it is unknown, the chance of nightmares, the shadows, I used to be terrified of the dark (still am to be honest).

You’re only likely to figure this one out by having conversations. What do you like about bedtime? What do you love about your room? What don’t you like about bedtime? Do you have bas dreams? Is there anything I can do to make it better? Communicate.

It could also be that bedtime is too early and they don’t like lying awake in their bed. It’s boring. Some children simply don’t need as much sleep as others. 

Are you getting the idea with this now? Every behaviour is a communication from your child and if you don’t look past it to see what’s really going on, the chances are you won’t resolve it.

Now I’d be happy to help you find the reasons behind your child’s behaviour, if you need support with this? Just head over to my community on Facebook and pop me a message. I’d love to chat!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentADHD/

Vicky x

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